Probably the most common question I am asked is “How do I get my children to listen to me?” This is actually a 2 part question, because what most people really mean is, how do I get my children to listen and do what I say.
I am not usually fan of “10 easy steps” approaches that oversimplify parent-child interactions, but there are in fact some simple steps that make a difference in getting young children to listen to you, and to listen in a way that they are more likely to then do what you say.
1. Make eye contact. Crouch down to be on a level with your children, and talk to them, not at them.
2. Keep it brief and clear. No lengthy explanations, and make sure you are making your wishes clear and explicit. A young child will understand you literally, so say exactly what you mean.
3. Be descriptive, not blaming. “The coat is on the floor,” is better than “You left your coat on the floor again!” Parents often worry that if we do not point it out to them, children will not get how much they are to blame. Don’t worry about that. Just worry about fixing the problem. The rest will take care of itself. Descriptive statements also allow for problem solving. “The toys need to be put away” is brief and clear, but more open-ended then “You need to put your toys away.”
4. Model listening. Have you ever been so itching to say something that you completely missed what someone else was trying to say to you? You are not the only one. Everyone can listen better when they feel as though they have been heard themselves. When you listen to your children you model listening skills for them. Don’t worry about evaluating what they say. “It sounds like you think it’s unfair,” doesn’t mean that you agree or disagree. Don’t think you have to argue the point. You might be surprised at the result.
5. Less talk, more action. If you find yourself repeating the same direction and being ignored, it is time to take action, whether that is taking away an object that is being misused, or physically removing a toddler from a dangerous situation, or a time-out. Don’t let repeating yoruself, and being repeatedly ignored, become a habit.
